Steps Forward

 That poor guy at swing dancing, I feel a bit bad for him.  He asks me to be his partner, so we start learning together, but unfortunately for him he's a good listener who asks questions.  Pretty soon the dance is forgotten, and I'm excitedly describing how I taught a kid about sender, message, receiver, and noise. I'm acting it out, showing him how I mimicked the body language of paying attention and not to have my student practice knowing when to join a conversation when suddenly I realize three things. One, everyone else is either dancing or getting ready to leave.  Two, I am gesturing so widely and talking so loudly that the whole room can hear.  Three, he looks a little tired. I look at the time and gasp. 10pm. Where did the time go? I guess it flies when you're having fun, and when you end up so absorbed in describing your passion that you forget everything else exists for a moment.

 Wow.  She said I always have a place here.  It's hard to believe that I'm worth something, that I'm worth that much. It's hard to see someone believe in me, not just with words, but with actions. That is the best feeling ever.  A second later the guilt hits.  I'm reminded that I still have work to do in changing my core beliefs that I don't deserve success, that I'm meant to be in the background, one of the invisible unremarkable links of a chain.  Every few moments the thoughts hit again. What am I doing here? She's just saying that. Does she mean those words? She is just being nice. It can't be me that made that difference. I'm sure there is some other reason he is so happy, it can't be me. What do they see in me? Why do they trust me after all my mistakes?  I still haven't fully bought the idea that I could have that much potential. Someday I will though. Someday.

 I've been reading.  It's time to find a mentor or two, it's time to watch someone else who has reached the places I want to go.  Do I even know where I want to go? Yes.  I want to be in a place where I can serve God in the best way I can. I have a bit of a mentor right now, and she just shared something incredible. There is a belief I've struggled with for years.  Should I get to have a lot of money when there are so many people struggling and starving? How can I get money other than by taking what others have? Am I good enough to have a lot? Do I deserve anything I could get or anything I've been given?  Finally she had the answer, and this isn't out of pride because I know I make mistakes. I can make money as long as I keep my desires and heart turned towards the right direction. It is perfectly well and good for money to come to me as I choose to use it for good.  I want to give my all. I want to do the best I can, and then turn around and not use ...

 No. Not Yet. Next one. I'm starting to realize that these words have a different meaning then I originally thought. I'm starting to realize they are synonymous with these words. Take a different path. Channel your energy differently. There is something better.  I might fail again and again, but in the end I can't lose my agency. I might encounter roadblock after roadblock, but nothing will stop me. It will simply redirect me, and I will find other ways to fulfill my purpose. I am stronger than what stands in my way, the one who created me didn't create me to give up.

 Favicon?  Yes, that's a real word.  It's the little thing that shows up on your tab, who knew there was a whole language involved with website building. Getting my image on took a few hours and a lot of questions, but I did it! Now my internet connection doesn't seem to be working well enough to test it, so I suppose I will try later.  I was up early today, 5:15.  It feels good to be up, even if I ended up taking a short nap after. I've discovered that how I get out of bed affects the rest of my day.  I take the older kids to school soon. The house is quiet because the youngers already left.  I have so many incredible people helping me, I'm realizing just how important relationships are to my success and happiness. 

 Code?  Code.  I don't know anything about code. I guess it's time to learn. I'm really out of my depth for this one. My options are clear, get help or spend more time and energy trying to learn. Hmm.  Let's add it to the pile. More decisions. I knew this was coming when I decided to start a business, I just didn't realize how it would affect me. It's a good thing I have agency, and it's a good thing my parents taught me perseverance, because I'm going to need every ounce of it to make these choices.  Maybe I'll ask my brother-in-law and my sisters boyfriend for an early birthday present in the form of Java script . . .

 That didn't go terribly.  One on one, that is how it works best. My methods, my process, it doesn't fit a group. Yet.  Decisions come, rolling towards me like an avalanche. I want to choose the right. I will give it all I have. I feel lighter today, I've chosen the choices that show my heart and it's showing. I push away the urge to give up, to give in, and I fight.  A few simple boundaries for the kids and the rest is going well.  A process with the teenager with autism, he gets up smiling afterwards to go get a mini chore done. It's enough. It's enough for now.  Time to call someone about coding, because I can't do all of this on my own!

 I finally get to try it.  I finally get to try my process. 9 kids, an hour and a half, a still broken car, and one early morning later I'm sitting defeated. At least for the moment. Defeats are just learning experiences however, and I just learned.  My delivery method is far to complex and dry for kids. It was clearly made by an adult, a tired one at that. It also goes much better one on one. Not only that, but there are multiple websites out there doing just what I do. I'm just trying to do it without having to have a person there, but that's exactly what makes most SEL effective.  No friends till 5th grade. Social anxiety. Complete overwhelm.  What am I doing in SEL? I am trying. and I've got to clarify my vision. I need to laser in, possibly pivot, and make this happen. I know this stuff. I've studied so much, learned so much, and even though I'm exhausted and demoralized there is a way. I know it. The issues today were clear.  Their brains were tired a...

 The sun is rising, turning the edges of the clouds bright white against the gentle lightening blue sky. My mentor walks by, giving me a questioning look.  Yes, it's early. Some things are worth getting up early for. I used my own process yesterday, the one I've developed for getting out of bed. My "Habit Sessions" as I call them. It worked. It usually does. The more times I do it, the more these habits become part of me. I'm less of a person getting up early now and more an early-riser. I'm less a person not getting angry now and more a calm person. Who I am is changing, slowly but surely, giving me a better quality of life every day.  This is what I am trying to share.  This is what I want to help people with. I want them to not just be people learning how to build connections, but to be good friends. I want the principles they need to become who they are.

  Right . . . Like I have time for therapy. That is what I've heard time and time again, and I get it. Because of that I've decided a few important things about my processes.  15 minutes, no more.  No materials needed besides ordinary household items. Accessible anywhere with internet or mobile data. An email, no complicated accounts with passwords or anything.  No advanced knowledge or schooling needed besides basic reading. Will it work? I'm not sure, I'm still learning as I go. Right now, these are my goals.

  Was I always this way? I can't say for sure, but I have one very specific memory that started a path of curiosity surrounding social-emotional learning. My first year in high school I sat in a lunchroom, the floor made of white tiles, the tables a dark blue color, and the doors a bright red. I was surrounded by people I called friend, and everyone was talking. I raised my volume, trying to get the attention of my friend across the table. She was talking at the same time. Suddenly I stopped speaking as the flash of realization hit.  No one was listening.  In fact, as I settled back on the bench, I realized that not a single one of my ten friends were listening to each other.  What would happen if I stopped talking?  I wondered, looking around. Her auburn hair swished as she gestured, the card in his hand moved as he shook it to make a point, her food sat forgotten on her plate as she laughed.  My teenager scientist mind was instantly curious, and that day ...

  Tell me. Tell me I will make it. Epic the musical fills my ears with the cries of ancient heroes fighting for their lives, and I press on. Before the best moments come the hardest challenges. My car, my rent, my time, my friends. It piles on, but still I push. I will make this happen, the very fact that it's hard makes it worth doing. I ignore the calls, trying my best to focus.  This will be worth it.  Tell me this will be worth it.

  A moment. An Idea. A spark. It's what I'm good at, what i've spent years focusing on.  I've dissected social situations, communication tactics, and my own emotions till they are laid out as if on a surgeons table. It's time to teach others how to do the same, those who find it harder to naturally fit in.  Kids, trying so hard to live life, not understanding why no one else sees what they see. Why no one else is as excited about that projects, that movie, that game. Now I can finally help them. I can finally DO something!  I get the feeling that something great is about to begin.